Life

So here it is, supposedly the second day of school. Is Elijah in school? No- the poison has struck again! Ay yi yi! So now he's taking allergy pills and  dousing himself with a baking soda and vinegar solution every so often. I'm praying it will work again this time. Never know what will work.

So anyway- I was looking forward to him being back in school because it just is so crowded in this little house when everyone is home. Hello! How's a mom supposed to clean? It's like shoveling snow in a blizzard- not very effective.

This last week was pretty rough. I didn't think it would hit me so hard that it's been a year now since Ronnie left. But- it hit hard! Rendered me incapable of taking care of everything. Smacked me again right between the eyes that I'm alone with 3 kids. Physically, financially and emotionally. Yet God reminded me that HE is my husband, my provider, my Jehovah-Jireh. I am ever so thankful for my Savior!  Without Him, I am nothing. I would be lost forever, probably homeless and without my children. I have a home, a car, clothes on my back, air conditioning, children who love me, a mom who is amazing, a church family, and so much more that I can't even fit on here.

With all that being said, I am struggling so hard to make ends meet financially. HOW am I supposed to do this? I now have the ability to make big profits, but finding the resources and time to do it is almost crazily hard. With 2 babies to pay a babysitter for when there's hardly enough money to pay a phone bill, how do I do that? And in order to work, I need to figure it out. I pray and I pray, yet God says "Wait on me, I will take care of you". What?!?!?! Wait- for how much longer??!!??!?? I feel like I've been waiting for forever. I'm sorry Lord, I know you are God of all, I just don't understand. Please, forgive my unbelief.  Why would God WANT to take care of me, I've completely messed up my life in every way. I get judged by it every day from someone! Yet God loves me. I still feel so unlovable.  My son's Father doesn't help it!

This was my weekend to have my son. He was with his Dad working out of state with the agreement that when they got into town, he would contact me and then I can come get Lyndon. That never happened. So Saturday comes and I finally call him. They are out riding four-wheelers and he never gets the message till too late, I was gone for the evening. (Or so he says) So Sunday afternoon he tell me I can come pick him up. Right!! An hour away and then take him back in 3 hours!!! Are you nuts!?!?!?!?! Good grief! He has always been this disrespectful and I am SO sick of it!! Makes me feel like crap.

OK, I'm starting to feel a little better. Sometimes a woman just needs to vent! Whew!