So I haven't been blogging and got inspired to do so again by a funny guy who has a great blog up and running. My life has changed so much this year and I think I'm reeling in shock right now. First I was running around like a headless chicken just trying to do small odd jobs to put gas in my tank, then it upgraded to a part time job, now my part time job has turned into a different part time job for the same boss. Strange happenings, I know. But I have a GREAT boss and wouldn't want to lose it for anything.
I had a wonderful babysitter and then things changed and things happened that I can't really go into now. I've lost a friend. Not only did I lose a friend, I lost a whole family. I am sad beyond what I can handle today and not sure how to let it out. The kids are around a little too much and I'm one of those people that needs alone time to digest things. :( So here I sit. One child asleep in her bed, the other on the floor behind me with a pillow and blankets, another outside with his buddy and the oldest in school. Some days I wish my husband was still here, but hahaha, that would not be good either. Then I really wouldn't have alone time.
I should be doing my real estate. I constantly feel guilty if I'm not being productive and it's so exhausting. Why do I think it's not acceptable to relax sometimes? Why am I so hard on myself? Maybe because my mom was? Good grief, she's still hard on me. Just last weekend she made a comment that was a little crazy. Now before you go off getting upset and saying I'm disrespecting my mother, you might want to get the details. I love my mom, don't know what I'd do without her. However, she has some unhealthy thought patterns that has transferred to me and while I'm working on changing those, she is not. Hence....the craziness sometimes.
For example.....I am in the middle of divorce proceedings. The only reason for that is the fact that he almost killed me. That was not even enough for me to file for divorce though. You see, I wear the 'stigma' of being divorced already and I was (and sometimes still am) determined to stay married no matter what. After all, when I said 'I do' I meant I will. But- he strangled me and literally I was NOT breathing!! It took me 2 days to get away from him and call a friend who then convinced me to call the authorities. This was still not enough to wake me up. This was in November. He went to jail for 9 months, got out, lied his way back into the house (I bought it *puke* because I wasn't far enough in my healing to recognize it), I figured out within 1 week that this was stupidity on my part but he REFUSED to leave! After all, once you're married, everything you've worked so hard for is now HIS and He was claiming the house. So...I left in the middle of the night for the second time and finally figured out how to get him out of the house so I'd have a home for me and the kids, and then I find out I'm PREGNANT again. OOOOO MY!! So....Christmas day he broke into the house (restraining order means nothing to him) and stole my boys' PS2 which was a Christmas gift, my wedding ring, all DVD's and games, CD's, and computer and home phone. Last straw!! You mess with my kids, you mess with a Momma Bear!! I can't press charges because we're legally married and he legally has rights to whatever he wants. So-- divorce papers are filed by January 1 just so I can protect myself and my babies. My boys are ANGRY!!! Can you blame them?!
OK, so I said all that to preface what my mom said-- "So did YOU divorce HIM now?" In a very condescending tone, as if it was ALL my fault and I wasn't good enough. I have to brush it off, knowing it's just where my mom is and she doesn't understand. She is somewhat of a doormat and doesn't know how to stand up for herself, so may times I'll stand up for her when people take advantage. If you order an egg over easy at a restaurant, shouldn't you get the egg over easy?! Not her, if it comes scrambled, she won't say anything. OR if she gets something she doesn't like at all, she just won't eat it but will still pay for it and then just never go back there. Help! If you came to my restaurant and your order was not correct, I would hope you'd give me the chance to correct it instead of just losing your business. Right? Or no?
So anyway, there's my rant for the day. Will anyone even read this? I don't know. All I know is I want to be REAL. Fake people depress me. IF you have something you'd like to say, please comment. I'd love to know what you think about these things. :)
Have a Blessed weekend!
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